Angry and Helpless as My Mom Loses It

by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger

28 Feb 2008 06:08 AM

As I wrote in a recent article, my mom is beginning to battle Old Timer's (a.k.a. Dementia or Alzheimer's) like her mother did, which makes me angry. But I'm not angry at the disease. I'm angry about a lot of other things.

Angry at Losing Her Now

As I commented on one of Aimee's articles about this issue I had to stand by and lose my grandma to this disease before she actually passed. Now it's happening with my mom. I'm angry about that.

Angry at My Mom

I'm angry at my mom because she refuses to take steps to help herself. She refuses to see a doctor about how drugs like Aricept might help.

I'm angry because she admits how lonely she is but won't take steps to change that. She never remarried after she divorced my father when I was nine, I live in Nashville, and her brother lives in New Jersey. She has no friends because her whole life she put work first and didn't bother to cultivate friendships. So other than my sister (who lives in Denver too, where my mom lives, but who holds down a full time job) she has no one. She won't volunteer, take classes, or join a Senior Center, where she might meet some new people. I know it would do her some good and would help with her depression but she always comes up with some reason why she can't get involved.

I'm angry because I never get to spend time with her alone anymore. For the past 20 years I've lived in a different state than her. She used to come for visits by herself and we'd have a great time. But the last couple of years she won't travel unless my sister comes. Which is fine. It's nice to have us all together, but it'd be nice to get one-on-one time of my own.

I'm angry that even when I offer to fly out and accompany her on the plane ride here she'll find excuses why she can't come.

Angry at My Sister

I'm angry at my sister for complaining about all the time she spends with mom helping her. Sometimes it's to help her around the house or, recently, with taxes. But sometimes it's to have fun, like going to a show, dinner, or shopping. I'd love to have either kind of time with my mom.

I'm angry that my sister won't let me help more. She's trying to take it all on and not disrupt my life because I'm married, she's not, and she lives 10 minutes from mom. I think she's suffering from feeling obligated to handle it all.

I'm angry that my sister doesn't recognize having a drill sergeant's personality like she does often provokes the situation instead of helps it. Her control-freak style and everything has to be her way approach is good for getting some things done, but not everything. When it comes to being more sensitive about the emotional toll this wages on all of us, she forgets she's not the only one affected.

I'm angry that my sister often either overrides my nurturing, patient, and compassionate style or dismisses it as less than.

Angry In General

I'm angry no one's been able to find out what causes this so that steps can be taken to prevent it.

I'm angry that no cure's been found.

I'm angry at myself for getting angry.

Courtney Mroch also writes in Pets and Marriage. For a full listing of her articles click here.

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Learn more about Courtney Mroch

Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k.

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Lisa P (24013) 28 Feb 2008 06:32 AM

Oh, Court. My heart goes out to you! My grandfather had Alzheimers and although the deterioration of his mind brought him back to happier times in his youth, it was a terribly painful thing to know that I was completely lost from him when he'd finally forgotten who I was. We suspect his mother had the same condition and I suspect that if heart disease doesn't get my father then Alzheimers will. Alzheimers is frustrating for those afflicted with it but it is downright excruciating for their loved ones.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 28 Feb 2008 07:38 AM

Thank you so much for this very kind comment, Lisa. While it's wonderful to have someone who understands, I'm sorry it's because you have first hand experience with it yourself. And you used the perfect word: excruciating. Oh man, is it!

Dale Harcombe (10327) 28 Mar 2008 04:48 PM

Courtney, my heart goes out to you. I understand that anger and helplessness. I nursed my Mom as she was dying of cancer and felt both those emotions. I was angry at everyone including God for making her suffer and for taking her away , angry at the drugs for the way they changed her and robbed us of time together, angry at feeling helpless etc. I've linked to this blog in http://christian.families.com/blog/tell-them-before-its-too-late

Courtney Mroch (9169) 31 Mar 2008 10:01 AM

Dale, now we have something else in common. My mom's situation changed 2 weeks ago when she was put in the hospital for pneumonia once again (she had it last year too) and this time she was diagnosed with lung cancer. On top of the dementia. She's now back here in Nashville with me where I will be nursing her as well as I can and helping her adjust to her new life situation.